LOVE

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.

- Erich Fromm

almost spring

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Mary Oliver,
The Summer Day


Photo: Kukla

you and i

Good, healthy love feels relaxed and comfortable. This does not mean there will not be differences or arguments. One can argue comfortably because there is respect, and when you are reaching a war zone you realize it is better to stop before you hurt your partner. You both know that it’s not a matter of winning or losing. It’s not a competition.

Communication, as we know, is one of the most important factors in a relationship. Being able to communicate and to pass on to your partner a message without interference is key in a healthy relationship. When there is love between two people who are responsible for their words or their acts, no one is afraid of being misunderstood and communication is clear, even when what is being said may be painful or irritating.

Good communication does not leave doubts or double meanings, and it never tries to get a speculative advantage of the other. Arguments are used in a positive way, arguments are used to build agreements.

In love, the other one is always on the same side of the street, although his or her thinking may be different because caring is what is most important in the relationship. As you see, true love is the one that has gone past the barriers of being in love and the narcissistic period of the relationship.

In love, there is happiness for the other's happiness. His or her own existence produces happiness; this is only possible with people who feel free, sure of themselves, independent and satisfied with their own lives.

People with the capacity to love are generous and thankful. They value their present and don't cry over what they never had or think they should have had. They have a great capacity to learn and a hopeful outlook on life.

In your opinion, what other points make a relationship healthy?


Patricia Faur - Estres conyugal, Ediciones B, Bs. As., 2011.

it's love

What happens when things don't go the way we expect them to in a relationship? What happens when your partner becomes someone you don't like so much? Are you willing to retrace your steps? Is he or she? Are you willing to recognize your own doings or are you the one to blame it all on your partner?

Miguel Espeche is an Argentinian Psychologist whose work we have set our eyes on. He has coordinated workshops in Buenos Aires for 22 years. These workshops are quite famous in the city. The topics are so varied (bonding, sexuality, family, aging, working), there is something for everyone.

Here is an extract of one of his cases we have translated:

"He didn't take everything away"

"His departure left loneliness and a lot of pain. He took everything when he left". She felt lonely, infinitely sad and most of all, deserted.

For her, he had been the mirror in which she had reflected and recognized herself for many years but her mirror was no longer there. She found herself caressing her kids at night, telling them words she wasn't sure of, looking at the world through a cold glass. All this because he wasn't there, because she remained at their home surrounded by their furniture and the objects that had been theirs for ages, objects that now seemed soulless, like her.

For good or for bad she had given him everything, even her own identity. She had chosen to be the verb instead of the subject, not because she was foolish, but because that was the way things unfolded. For her, it was a relief to have someone assume matters concerned with her own being and she went with it, she did what she thought was expected of her, she turned into an echo, instead of being the source of sound.

Time went by and she was surprised to feel alive again. She began to feel new emotions, these emotions were not his echo, they came from her own self, a source she started to like and value as others did. He, on the other side, felt that he had taken with him his own shadow, the one that was obstructing her personal feelings, her voice. She began to have her own dreams and desires and realized that he didn't have much to do with that anymore. She started feeling better, happier. She concluded he hadn't taken everything, he had only taken a part of her history.

Today they are flirting again, although they are still separated (this is a real story that is taking place). I don't know how this story will end but it is interesting to see how it is developing. He has already said that he felt saturated by what first attracted him to her "being everything for her", the undeniable center of her attention. She had also liked delegating her own being in that man. He had "broken the rules" of the game saying he felt lonely and in need of the company of someone else's voice, not just an echo of his own".

We think that if things get out of balance, it is up to each person in the couple to rediscover love without turning the other person into (or becoming) the subordinate, which as the extract shows, can ruin a relationship.

There are no villains in relationships. If there is love, difficulties can be overcome by trying to understand what each person's contribution to its wrong doing is. By working together finding healthier ways of relating to one another the relationship will obviously bring a lot of satisfaction and happiness.

Migue Espeche once said: "Healthy people suffer from love, that doesn't just happen to fools or ill people. The people that have the courage to assume the risks love requires are however, probably the healthiest."




Translation by Valeria Mendez Cañas extract from the July issue of Sophia Magazine

about a horse

I'm sure many of you have seen Secretariat? it's a film about an incredible, American race horse who won the Triple Crown and his owner, Penny Chenery Tweedy.

Aside from the fact that the film is entertaining, and that I absolutely adore that horse, there are other things that it made me think about:

Dynamics, chemistry, connection, synergy are some words that come to my mind. Sure, the horse had the genes, but it was the combination of that and the love of Penny that made him be the most he could be and her as well. It's so magical when that profound connection takes place between people (ok, in the film it's a horse) but you know what I mean. In Spanish there is a word - "cómplice" it's about the other person being with you, it's about collaboration. The English translation is "accomplice".

Preparation. Some people wonder why some things do not turn out the way they want. Well, a few questions that may help in understanding why are: are we prepared? have we done all that we can to learn as much as we can on a certain matter? have we practiced as much as possible and surrounded ourselves with people who know about our specific field/s of interest, in order to learn from them?

Believe in yourself and trust your instincts. Seems obvious, BUT do we always trust ourselves? Throughout the film we see Penny (the owner of the horse) face difficult situations with no support from family or friends cause they do not believe that she can do what she wants to do. Do what you want to do. You can listen to others, but do what makes you feel good. Often, it is those close to us that tell us that what we want is not possible to achieve. Be true to yourself and to your passions. There is a quote from Penny which I loved: "This is not about going back. This is about life being ahead of you and you run at it! Because you never know how far you can run unless you run".

Someone once said to me "if you do really well, people will not like you. If you do really, really well, people will be inspired by you". Secretariat is a story of love and extraordinary courage. That's inspiring. The horse and the owner both did really, really well. Against all odds.

A good team is crucial. Penny managed to put together a team of great people - the horse trainer, her father's secretary, jockey, stable hand, to name a few of the people that worked with her. They not only loved the horse, believed in him and her, but also worked relentlessly towards the same goal, giving Secretariat all the stamina to win the triple crown.

I hope you saw the film so that you can share with us the things that you loved or did not like about it.

xx

words on love

I've been away on a little trip and I've had time to think and time to listen. I've come across some interesting people and read some great articles on love and relationships that I want to share with you.

Freud said that when we fall in love, we fall for a reflection of ourselves. We love, in the other person, those aspects that are very similar to ours. Love, for Freud, is illusory and based on narcissism. Of course that kind of love only lasts for a while but, how do we continue to love our partner once we are past that stage? Love, as we know, has to evolve, to mature. Jacques Lacan said that love is giving our partner what we don't have. Which means: to love is to recognize your lack and give it to the other, place it in the other. It’s not giving what you possess, goods and presents, it’s giving something else that you don’t possess, which goes beyond you. Our own flaws are involved and that is how we love, with our flaws. He also stated that we love someone who really isn't who we think he is, reminding us to be aware that a lot of narcissism goes into love.

Nick Paumgaiten wrote in "Looking for Someone" in The New Yorker Magazine, an article referred to contemporary love and the ways people use the internet in search of a companion. He comments on the work of Gian Gónzaga who runs a site called eHarmony. It seems that this site, which is used to pair people up, was born after many years of interviewing couples. By watching the way they interact, they can predict wether the relationship is going to work out or not. They look for specific traits: How do you treat your partner? How are your comments? Are they positive? Are they negative? Are they assuring? Do you underestimate your partner? Do you use humor in order to bring up issues that trouble you? Can you use humor in a positive way? Can you create constructive solutions to your issues? Do you have problems solving skills? Who has them? One? or both?
They say that sometimes, you mate with someone you think is right for you but in reality he or she is not. All goes well until some kind of incompatibility arises: "Incompatibility can often be unperceivable until a couple is subjected to some kind of difficulty of the world's devising: problems involving health, money, children or work". They blame stress for it, of course, but I see it with a different light: situations start becoming more real, narcissism fades away with time. What now? I think it is at this point where a lot of couples split up. They trick themselves into thinking they will be better off alone or with someone that will provide another narcissistic high for them.

Dan Savage, expresses his view in July 3rd, New York Times Sunday Magazine article "Infidelity Keeps us Together". He argues that in his relationship what has kept him bound to his partner was his and her honesty and allowing each other to have sex encounters with other people from time to time.

Dan Savage writes a column for Seattle's The Stranger, called "Savage Love", very contemporary indeed but my thinking is more along the line of Lisa Appignanesi's, author of "All about Love". In an interview in this month's issue of Elle Magazine by Ben Dickinson, she says: "Marriage is interesting now because we want so much out of it, and it's strains are therefore telling, so we develop huge resources of invention and patience and durability to make it work ... You don't want to just say 'Nothing is good if it doesn't have a positive ending or it's only good if it's easy and smooth and always happy'".

In this space, we are always looking out for people that we consider that stand out in their personal fulfillment, we have mainly written about artists. We think that we, as human beings, are the only ones in command of the relationships we seek, we build, we nourish, we surround ourselves with. Once we find the right match, it is up to us to drive the relationship to its best state and because the skills it requires, anyone that believes to be constantly contributing in that sense, we consider an achiever (no need to be famous, just proud). Cheers to you then.



Post: Vale Mendez Cañas
Photo: Mich

we love Coke

Pop Coca-Cola at the law school of Buenos Aires University. (Facultad de derecho)

happy weekend!

“Baiser de l’Hotel de Ville” from 1950.

An exhibition of 137 original pictures by the French photographer Robert Doisneau is taking place at Centro Cultural Recoleta, Buenos Aires, curated by Agnès de Gouvion Saint-Cyr.

The exhibition, called "Simply Doisneau" is simply fantastic!

If you're around this weekend, this is a good plan.

Enjoy! xx

to do

I saw this painting the other day when a friend and I went to Puro Diseño and it made me think about those times when we have to make a choice that involves a bit of risk. Haven't we all done this? in love, work, etc. Isn't it great? Even those times when it does not work out, it's always best to try. The biggest risk is taking no risk.
Someone long ago said that glory comes from daring to begin. It's a good feeling to just dive into something new. That's how we learn and evolve. No?
Stay curious! xx

beauty II

Photo: Nina, my niece.


Beauty: A Culturally Misconceived Idea?
Who Wants to be a superstar?

What's with this idea of "cultivating" your image? Is, by any
chance, your body, a plant? Seriously, we all know how
important image is. The thing is, how important?injectting an 8 year old with botox important? I'm not going to start a rant against
botox, I've covered my thoughts on this before.

What I also said before and which I insist upon is that there is a strong link
between the affairs of the mind and those that regard our bodies. The reason is
simple.

It is the mind that makes the body do the strangest things, specially if
we let ourselves get over -influenced by influencers, if our ideals are
too high, or if our partner has too many expectations.

When it comes to beauty then, the question is: How far are we willing to go in
order to be liked and accepted by others? how about loving ourselves first?

Who said that you need to get others to like you for anything other than who you ARE? lets go back to that controversial mom for a second: wouldn't her
daughter be much better off IF instead of botox her mother told her how
beautiful and special she is? would it not do her good to feel loved for what
she is and not for what she looks like? to replace an injection of botox for one
of confidence and love? she'd do great in those beauty contests but more importantly, as an adult she would be able to lead a life where she feels good about herself and life where she can BE.

There is a new, O.B. Tampons TV add in Buenos Aires these days
where a girls tells a friend she can't go somewhere because she has
her period and she's afraid that her pads will not work well or look bad.
Her friend asks: "why don't you use a tampon?" She replies that a
friend has told her it's not good to wear tampons all the time, so the
other friend asks who she got that information from. Off they go trying
to figure out the source of the information. She was told by another
friend that was told by the lady that did her bikini line who was told
by a friend that was a guy, ha, ha, ha! The add ends saying:
"DESMISTIFICATE" (demystify).

Was it Elle Woods in "Legally Blond" that came up with the idea that
you have to work very hard for others to like you? Was it Emily in "The Devil
Wears Prada?" Isn't it the other way around? Don't we have to feel good with
ourselves first? How many diets do we have to start? How many hours do we have
to spend at the gym for others? how about doing things for ourselves? When
do we start a biomolecular treatment as an attempt to deny our age? and
most importantly, when do we realize that we are all beautiful?

My Psychoanalysis teachers taught me that if we only focus on our image
(remember the Witch in Snow White?) we put ourselves in a very poor place.
Why? because the image of our own selves appears very early in our own
development and in order to keep evolving, we need to keep adding content
to our mind structure, we need to absorb things that matter from our environment,
to play and love, to nurture our souls, to surround ourselves with nice people, that is how our mind starts improving;
that's what makes us love ourselves, our lives, and that's what makes us beautiful.

Our best and perhaps hardest "exercise" is to feel good with and
about ourselves. It is to let ourselves shine with our own light, this
is what makes you, you. It is from the inside that one becomes
beautiful. It is by filling our lives with great memories, our minds with
meaningful content and our hearts with love.

Finding Balance

Photographed: Raquel Sosa (dance teacher)

Have you ever tried doing the splits, a complex move on a balance beam, skating or any other sport that requires you to find your balance?

Doing the splits requires a series of achievements: the desire to do it, the willingness to take the challenge, an understanding of the mechanics of it, and a series of prior achievements: training, posture, stretching, etc. Once you are down there, with your legs straight, your weight balanced and your arms harmoniously placed, you must smile. Sometimes, you manage it all, except for the smile. The pain of the effort is such that you find smiling too hard, so you may not smile. There are times where you just simply manage it all, get used to the pain and smile. If you let go, it stops hurting and you smile because of what you just managed to do.

I once read an interview of Paloma Herrera, NYC Ballet's first ballerina. She was asked what it took to be in such a role. She replied it involved not only loving what you do and being good technically but also being able to display your smile gracefully; to know all your parts and also to let your soul show through.

I like to use the splits as a metaphor for finding balance in life. I know a lot of people that say they haven't found balance in their life cause although they have achieved many things they wanted, they are not so happy. Many say they have gone through all of what they assumed was expected of them only to realize they are missing a large piece of the puzzle. They have invested too much time doing something they didn't really like, trying to achieve their ideals (often others' ideals) trying to play the "perfect" part in a script, trying to please, sometimes forgetting or leaving aside what they really want. But, are ideals so good when they're not your own? was that part meant to be for them? and, what is "perfect", anyways?

Three of my favorite concepts in Psychology are balance, ideals and perfection because I find they are some of the most intriguing of the human mind: the more you pursue them, the more demanding you become with yourself, sometimes leaving little room for amusement or pleasure.

When searching for balance, remember that balance is relative. Figure out what you really want and follow your dreams. It's not to late, you can start now. Whatever it is that you like, you will do that with passion and it will make you and those around you happy. By stepping out of your comfort zone you will grow as a person and you will inspire others. You will make mistakes. If you let them into your life, they will enrich and soften your own self. If you don't, you will begin to stiffen. Learn from your mistakes. Laugh at them. Learn from success too, there is much to learn from things done right.

In the process of mastering what you set yourself after in life, remember that there are various aspects to it: the intellectual, the physical skills, the drive, the mechanics of it and, above all, the desire. Be flexible in uderstanding that balance is relative, and start doing what you really want today. It's only up to you to find yourself doing the splits with a smile on your face!

Post by : Valeria Mendez Cañas

Made a little thing with some flowers that I received today.
Happy Valentine's! Enjoy! xo

weekend escape

Last weekend was the last long weekend of the year here in Argentina, so Henry and I went to La Pascuala - this little place in one of the Delta islands. It was glorious. If you've ever been to Vietnam, this is kind of similar. Romantic and great for relaxing, nearby the city.

At Chandon - José Ignacio

Which moments today will you miss in the future?