The Virtue of Kindness: Evidence of Personal Advancement through Acts of Benevolence

Kindness, a fundamental human trait, is a powerful force related to love, hope, joy, generosity among other emotions and virtues, and a trait that transcends individual boundaries and has far-reaching effects at a personal level and in society.  Practicing kindness can lead to personal growth and advancement. By examining the positive impact of kindness on mental and physical well-being, relationships, and societal harmony, this post showcases the benefits of fostering a culture of kindness in both personal and collective contexts.

Given the importance of the outcomes of kindness, we will continue by examining its influence on personal advancement, and looking at the evidence of its positive impact on mental and physical health, relationships, and societal well-being. But first, remember! the first person you have to be KIND to is YOURSELF. You are unique in every way and your flaws are a BIG part of what make YOU be YOU. 

Kindness and Its Dimensions:

a. Altruistic Acts: Kindness often manifests through selfless acts of giving, helping, or supporting others without expecting anything in return.

b. Empathy and Compassion: An essential aspect of kindness is the ability to understand and share in the feelings and experiences of others, leading to compassionate actions.

c. Positive Intentions: Kindness is grounded in goodwill and positive intentions, seeking to promote the welfare and happiness of others.

Kindness and Mental Well-being:

a. Stress Reduction: Practicing kindness has been linked to a reduction in stress levels. Acts of benevolence trigger the release of oxytocin, a hormone associated with bonding and stress reduction.

b. Emotional Resilience: Individuals who engage in acts of kindness often report improved emotional well-being, including increased feelings of happiness, self-worth, and life satisfaction.

c. Reduced Negative Emotions: Kindness can mitigate negative emotions such as anger, resentment, and envy, promoting a more positive and empathetic outlook.

Kindness and Physical Health:

a. Lower Blood Pressure: Engaging in acts of kindness has been associated with lower blood pressure, which can have long-term health benefits.

b. Enhanced Immune Function: The positive emotions evoked by kindness have been linked to improved immune system function, leading to better overall health.

c. Increased Lifespan: Studies suggest that individuals who engage in regular acts of kindness may experience increased longevity and overall well-being.

Kindness and Relationships:

a. Strengthening Bonds: Kindness is a vital component of healthy relationships, fostering trust and connection between individuals.

b. Conflict Resolution: Practicing kindness in conflict resolution can lead to more constructive and harmonious outcomes in relationships.

c. Nurturing Empathy: Acts of kindness can inspire empathy and compassion in others, creating a ripple effect that enhances overall relationship dynamics.

Kindness and Societal Harmony:

a. Reducing Prejudice and Bias: Kindness fosters an environment of inclusion and acceptance, reducing prejudice and discrimination.

b. Promoting Cooperation: Acts of kindness encourage cooperative behavior in communities and organizations, leading to shared goals and mutual success.

c. Enhancing Social Capital: Kindness can contribute to the development of social capital, which strengthens community bonds and fosters resilience in times of crisis.

Conclusion:

Kindness is a universal human virtue with the power to shape individuals and societies positively. The first person you have to be KIND to is YOURSELF, SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT. 

The evidence presented here today demonstrates the profound impact of practicing kindness on mental and physical well-being, relationships, and societal harmony. By embracing kindness as a core value, individuals can experience personal growth, enhance their overall well-being, and contribute to the creation of a more compassionate and harmonious world. The practice of kindness is not only a moral imperative but also a pathway to personal advancement and societal flourishing.

Psychotherapy

Therapy can have a significant and positive impact on our well-being. Sometimes it takes months and sometimes years. Some patients need sessions once a week, two or three times a week. The frequency, modality and effects of therapy can vary depending on the individual and the specific issues being addressed. Here are some common ways therapy can enhance well-being:

Improved Mental Health: Therapy can effectively treat various mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and more. It provides individuals with coping mechanisms and tools to manage their emotions and thoughts, leading to a reduction in symptoms and an improvement in overall mental health. 

Enhanced Coping Skills: Therapy equips individuals with healthier coping strategies to deal with life's challenges and stressors. They learn to navigate difficult situations, manage conflicts, and handle emotions in a constructive manner.

Increased Self-Awareness: Through therapy, people gain insights into their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This self-awareness helps them understand themselves better, including their strengths, weaknesses, and patterns of behavior.

Strengthened Relationships: Therapy can improve communication and interpersonal skills, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships with family, friends, and colleagues.

Better Problem-Solving Skills: Therapeutic techniques often focus on problem-solving and decision-making skills. Clients learn how to approach issues logically and find solutions rather than becoming overwhelmed by them.

Reduction in Physical Symptoms: Emotional distress and mental health issues can manifest as physical symptoms such as headaches, digestive problems, and sleep disturbances. By addressing the underlying psychological factors, therapy can alleviate these physical symptoms.

Increased Resilience: Therapy helps build resilience, which is the ability to bounce back from setbacks and adversity. Resilient individuals are better equipped to handle life's challenges and maintain their well-being during difficult times.

Empowerment and Self-Esteem: As clients make progress in therapy, they often experience increased feelings of empowerment and higher self-esteem. This sense of empowerment comes from overcoming obstacles and taking control of their lives.

Support and Validation: The therapeutic relationship provides a supportive and non-judgmental space where individuals can express themselves freely. Feeling understood and validated can be immensely beneficial for one's well-being.

Long-Term Benefits: The effects of therapy are often enduring, as the skills and insights gained in therapy can continue to be applied long after the therapy sessions have ended.

It's important to note that therapy is not a one-size-fits-all solution, and different individuals may respond differently to various therapeutic approaches. Finding the right therapist and type of therapy that aligns with an individual's needs and preferences is essential for maximizing the positive effects on their well-being.

Personal Scripts - how they impact our lives

Personal scripts are the narratives we construct throughout our lives, shaping our beliefs, attitudes, behaviors, and decisions. These scripts are the stories we tell ourselves about who we are, what we're capable of, and what our role is in the world. They are influenced by our upbringing, experiences, culture, and the people around us, creating a lens through which we view ourselves and others.

From a young age, we begin to develop these scripts, internalizing messages from parents, caregivers, teachers, and peers. These messages can be both positive and negative, and they form the foundation of our self-concept. For example, a child repeatedly told that they are intelligent and talented may develop a script of confidence and high self-esteem, while a child constantly criticized may develop a script of self-doubt and insecurity.

As we grow older, these scripts solidify and become deeply ingrained in our minds. They act as a guide, directing our choices and influencing our reactions to various situations. Our personal scripts can be empowering, motivating us to pursue our goals and dreams, or limiting, holding us back from reaching our full potential.

Positive scripts can act as a source of strength during challenging times. They can foster resilience, perseverance, and an optimistic outlook. Conversely, negative scripts can become self-fulfilling prophecies, leading us to reinforce limiting beliefs and patterns of behavior.

One of the critical aspects of personal scripts is that they often operate on an unconscious level. We may not even be aware of their existence, yet they play a significant role in shaping our lives. This lack of awareness can be problematic, as it hinders our ability to challenge and modify scripts that are hindering our growth and happiness.

Fortunately, with self-reflection, introspection, psychotherapy and other forms of professional guidance, we can uncover these scripts and their impact on our lives. By understanding our personal scripts we gain the power to rewrite and reshape them to better align with our aspirations and values.

Here are some ways in which personal scripts influence our lives:

Self-image: Personal scripts heavily influence how we perceive ourselves. A positive script can boost our self-confidence, while a negative one can foster self-doubt and low self-esteem.

Decision-making: Our scripts affect the choices we make. They may lead us to embrace opportunities that align with our positive scripts or avoid challenges that clash with our negative scripts.

Relationships: Personal scripts can impact our interactions with others. They can influence the types of people we attract into our lives and the dynamics we create within our relationships. When patients feel frustrated about certain aspects of their relationships, I sometimes ask them to think about what could be affecting their current/ past romantic relationships and normally, if there has been conflict, it tends to be similar to the dynamic observed at home at a young age (when we are still unable to process harsh interactions); Or they may act out what they were told by their parents /caregivers about relationships; If not talked about and properly processed (through thought, awareness, meditation, running, psychotherapy, etc.) these interaction patterns can persist as scripts in our own relationships. Therefore, a person who had an emotionally abusive parent may not be able to emotionally connect with anyone at a profound level, making relationships quite uphill. On the other hand, a person who had loving parents who were relatively skillful at their relationship, parents that were kind and respectful to each other and their kids, neighbors, etc., may themselves have more positive resources to engage in meaningful and lasting relationships. Needless to say, there are no general rules, but in many years of practice I have heard patients replicate behaviors they were modeled- until becoming aware, via therapy and/or introspective practices. 

Achievement: Our beliefs about our abilities, often shaped by our scripts, can affect our level of ambition and our willingness to pursue success.

Resilience: Scripts play a role in how we respond to adversity. A positive script can help us bounce back from setbacks, while a negative one may hinder our ability to cope effectively.

Habits: Our daily habits and routines are often guided by personal scripts. Changing these scripts can lead to the establishment of healthier behaviors.

Growth and Learning: Personal scripts can influence our attitude towards learning and personal development. Embracing a growth mindset can help challenge limiting scripts and encourage continuous improvement.

It's essential to become conscious of our personal scripts and critically evaluate their impact on our lives. By recognizing and challenging negative scripts, we can take steps to reframe them into more positive and constructive narratives. This process of script transformation can be empowering, enabling us to break free from self-imposed limitations and unlock our true potential.

In conclusion, personal scripts are the invisible threads that weave through the fabric of our lives. They shape our perceptions, attitudes, and actions, ultimately influencing the direction we take and the fulfillment we find in our journey. By actively examining and rewriting these scripts, we can embrace a more authentic and purposeful existence, leading to greater happiness, success, and personal growth.

Jealousy and its Impact on Romantic Relationships: Nurturing Trust and Emotional Security

Jealousy, a complex and powerful emotion, often emerges within romantic relationships. While it is normal to experience occasional feelings of jealousy, unchecked and excessive jealousy can have a significant impact on the dynamics and well-being of a romantic partnership. In this piece, we will explore the nature of jealousy and delve into its potential consequences, emphasizing the importance of fostering trust, communication, and emotional security in relationships.

Understanding Jealousy:

Jealousy typically stems from a fear of losing the affection, attention, or loyalty of a partner to a perceived rival. It may be triggered by actual threats or by childhood experiences, past experiences with loved ones, imagined scenarios fueled by insecurities, or personal vulnerabilities. Recognizing jealousy as a natural human emotion is the first step toward addressing and managing it constructively.

Erosion of Trust:

Jealousy can erode the foundation of trust that sustains healthy relationships. When jealousy becomes pervasive, it leads to doubt, suspicion, and constant questioning of a partner's actions and motives. This constant surveillance can suffocate the relationship, creating an atmosphere of tension, secrecy, and resentment. Trust, once damaged, takes time and effort to rebuild, and without it, the relationship may suffer irreparable harm.

Communication Breakdown:

Unchecked jealousy often results in communication breakdown between partners. Rather than openly discussing concerns, fears, and insecurities, jealous individuals may resort to passive-aggressive behavior, accusations, or withdrawal. Effective communication, characterized by honesty, empathy, and active listening, is crucial for addressing jealousy and working through its underlying causes.

Strained Emotional Connection:

Jealousy can strain the emotional connection between partners. The constant need for reassurance, possessiveness, and controlling behavior can smother the sense of freedom, autonomy, and individuality within the relationship. As a result, the emotional intimacy and shared vulnerability that contribute to a healthy partnership may be compromised, leading to feelings of resentment, isolation, or even the deterioration of the relationship.

Negative Emotional Impact:

Jealousy takes a toll on both individuals involved in the relationship. The jealous partner experiences persistent anxiety, insecurity, and a sense of inadequacy, while the recipient of jealousy may feel unfairly scrutinized, distrusted, and emotionally drained. Over time, these negative emotions can lead to emotional exhaustion and a decline in overall relationship satisfaction.

Building Trust and Emotional Security:

Addressing jealousy requires a joint effort to rebuild trust and foster emotional security. Open and honest communication, expressing needs and fears without judgment, is crucial. 

Cultivating trust through transparency, reliability, and consistent actions strengthens the foundation of the relationship. Additionally, individual self-reflection and personal growth help address insecurities and develop a stronger sense of self-worth, contributing to a healthier relationship dynamic.

While jealousy is a common emotion, its impact on romantic relationships should not be underestimated. Recognizing and addressing jealousy in a constructive manner is vital for nurturing trust, fostering open communication, and creating emotional security. By cultivating a foundation of trust, understanding, and empathy, couples can navigate the complexities of jealousy and build resilient and fulfilling partnerships. Remember, it is through mutual support and a shared commitment to growth that relationships can thrive amidst the challenges of jealousy.

But I'm here

"You disappear so completely into your head sometimes, he said, I wish I could follow you."

Eros & Psyche

Somewhere in Greece, a King and Queen had three daughters. The first two were beautiful but, their third daughter, PSYKHE (or Psyche) was so beautiful that she was compared to Venus. Venus' pride was deeply hurt by this, so she asked her son, Eros, to "make her fall in love with the most horrendous monster".

As time went by, Psyche's sisters married and had children. No one seemed to be interested in Psyche. Her parents consulted the Oracle. She was ordered to go to the highest part of the mountain to face her destiny.

After a dream, she reached a palace by night where she was approached by a man with whom she spent a night of passion. She stayed there living her days in solitude and her nights in darkness and passion, until one day, she got pregnant. Her sisters had visited her without being able to see her husband's face. They feared it was the monster of Venus' wish. They persuaded Psyche to look at her husband's face while he slept. At night, after having made love, curiosity and fear took over her. Psyche discovered that her husband was Eros himself. He was young and handsome.

Eros woke up to see she had betrayed his trust but confessed he could not follow his mother's orders because he could not resist her beauty. Then, he abandoned her. Psyque was devastated. She wondered the world until Venus found her and put her away. Eros, finally rescued her and they have been living together since. They had a daughter called Hedone which means pleasure in Greek.



Post and translation: Valeria Mendez Cañas
Image: Octavia Minor
Sources: theoi.com ; entrecasa magazine. Bs. As 2012; wiki

again

The two of them spent all their time together, either talking or making love.


Robert James Waller,
The Bridges of Madison County

Silvina Ocampo on love

"They loved eachother with tenderness, passion and faithfulness. They tried to always be together and when they had to separate for whatever reason, they thought about eachother so much that their time apart was also a way of being together, more subtle, prudent and avid"

Silvina Ocampo,
Los dias de la noche

The "complete" mother

It's a known fact that parents are responsible for the kind of person that their children become as they grow. For those who are constantly trying to be good parents and find themselves in in the roller coaster that this adventure can become, Stephen B. Poulter, a psychologist who specializes in family relationships gives us some clarity.

Thirty Something

You know that song "Paradise" by Coldplay? there is a part that says: "life goes on, it gets so heavy..."

After thirty, people start to have issues. Not that we don't have them before but when we're twenty, for example, who cares if we screw up? I mean isn't that what young people do? At thirty, however, it's a different story and we become more demanding of ourselves. We expect something more from our lives.

Deep conversations with people in their thirties, friends mostly, have led me to realise the diversity of needs and wishes that people have:

- Some are looking for a partner.

- Some people want to quit their jobs and get a ticket to go see the world.

- Some are looking for a job (or a better job)

- Some are looking for a new apartment or house.

- Some want a husband who is more connected to the family.

- Some people want to make more money.

- Others want a divorce.

- Some people want kids.

- Some people want to fall in love with their partner all over again.

- Some men want their wives to work or study or just do something different than spend all day with the kids.

- Some want to have sex with their wives again.

- Some people don't know what they want.


Those are just some examples, but the important thing, I think, is to not feel alone in whatever your "search" is. Just remember that there are many people in their thirties with issues just like you. Remember also, that there is a direct link between how we see the world, the actions we take and the results we get.

Once we understand this, we are free to make the change or changes that will bring us closer to our truest wishes and needs.

she, he

"That was one of the saddest things about people- their most important thoughts and feelings often went unspoken and barely understood. -A.Adornetto



photo- whiskey straight

living it up

Photo: "hot springs" by Ryan McGinley



The concept of a bon vivant is associated with the idea of leading a good life, to live well. But what is to live well?

The other day I read an article on LNR where they talked about the good life with Argentinian chef, Mallmann.

For some, the concept of a bon vivant is overly idealized. It means having a life of luxury, 5 star travels, eating at expensive restaurants, buying big brands, a socially important status and collecting art.

For me, that sounds about right, but I also think a good life is related to living life with passion and intensity. To find the beauty in whatever you do. Whether it’s appreciating a painting, feeling the music with your eyes closed, reading, enjoying a good meal, the smell a flower, dancing, visiting a new place, laughing with a friend, reaching a goal and celebrating the love you receive and that you give every day.

That's also happiness.

In this article that I read, Mallman said something that I'd like to share:

A bon vivant "is a person who tries to live romantically, a person who likes to live each day the best way possible. It has to do with your mood, with who you are, with the time of the year, the clothes you like to wear, where you go, what you eat...”

When I was writing this post, I also ran into this definition: "a bon vivant is someone who can say, I live very well, my children are alright, I am not the richest but I can still do pretty much everything that I want to do; I have a partner who has always loved me and who I love and have fun with, I have achieved most of my goals and I'm satisfied"

Finally, I leave you with the definition that Coco Chanel gave when they asked her: "what is fashion?"

“Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening.”

Well said Coco! I love this definition of fashion and I find that it has much to do with the concept of a bon vivant. But more importantly, what is it to you?

Enjoy today!




Post by: Valeria Mendez Cañas

it's complicated

Argentine singer, Andrés Calamaro, wrote this song called "One can't live just from love"


I bought this great book by Walter Riso "A Guide to Avoid Dying from Love. Ten Principles of Emotional Survival". I found it tough yet excellent. A short and perhaps interesting read for those who say you can work out relationship- related problems on your own and that getting psychological help has never crossed your mind.

I may be wrong, but I checked and did not find a version of this book in English, so I’m quoting some interesting points I found. I hope it helps those who are looking for a relationship, those who are already in one and all you love birds who may be thinking of ways of making your love life even better.

"Feelings do not cover everything in a relationship. Specialists say that 'Love isn't enough' and they may be right. Our choice of a couple should be more thought out and less visceral: "I like a lot of things in you, I want you, but I am still not sure weather you fit in my life or not, even though my body and my being push me towards you in a confusing way'. I am sorry for love fans but for people who live in an earthly world and have not transcended yet, love isn't usually that unconditional (the amount of deserters in the subject gets bigger every day) nor it moves mountains, if you don't pay enough attention to it, if you don't know how to handle it, it crushes you, it overwhelms you.

You should put your enthusiasm aside for a moment, before making a blind decision and connect to a more controlled processing system (I am saying you can stop being so hippomaniac or in love for a few moments, you can try to relax voluntarily). Once you have arrived back on earth, you should consider the advantages and disadvantages, pros, cons and expectations and try to see reality as it is (not blinded by love). This, will allow you to, in the future, be able to integrate feelings, reality and emotions and to realize when one is missing or excessively present.

Functional and healthy couples love freely (they are able to use their own time however they please), in a non possessive way (no one belongs to the other) and without the need for the other to be present at all times (they can be on their own, do their own thing). If you are capable of deciding about your own timing, if you don't feel you are 'owned' by someone and at the same time you feel you can walk through life on your own, you have entered the grounds of mature love.

A good relationship requires at least three factors to work at the same time: desire / attraction; friendship and tenderness. If your relationship is lacking one of those components, it could be going down hill. Analyze them and make your own decisions.

The following, is a phrase by Stendahl that has always caused a great impact on me because of its beauty and realism: 'Love is a very beautiful flower but you have to have the courage to go look for it at the edge of an abyss.'

In love you sweat, you fight, you make up, you create day by day. If you are a very romantic person, you will have a minimal resistance to the hardships love brings.

Some think that love causes suffering, others are naïf enough to believe in the ingenuity of romantic love. Realistic love, however, may be half way between those two poles. Love, in a relationship, isn't always a fairy tale though some insist on calling it that. It brings good and bad times, you will have to learn to deal with.

If behaviors and negative attitudes go over the limit, you will have to jump; if there is respect within what is acceptable and feelings are sponsored by solid love, you go on in your relationship. Love grows and develops.




Post by: Valeria Méndez Cañas

men

Photo: Ricardo Darín for Etiqueta Negra


One of the reasons why I like Psychology is that after years of studying it and practicing, you develop this ability to stop, contemplate and start again; to alter reality in a way that is suitable to yourself. I realize not everyone can acquire these skills nor is courageous enough to face his or her own limitations, but what happens when one accepts reality as it comes, without questioning it?

Let's take the concept of manhood, for example, and examine it. Although roles have changed somewhat in Argentina, in the popular imaginary men are taught to act tough, to be like "machos".

Traditionally, boys are educated by their mothers. Although in modern times, fathers are more active when it comes to child care, most fathers continue to be busy working and trying to be successful while most mothers stay home. This shortage of contact between sons and fathers creates an emotional gap between them in which there is perhaps not enough room for bonding, for closeness. This is why, it is in childhood, that boys often develop difficulties in learning what relating to other men is like.

They turn to their mothers with whom they talk, share their problems, their successes and failures, their everyday life. Boys see their father's through their mother's eyes. Boys are taught to "be strong" and to "put up" with things. What later happens when these boys become men is that they want to overcome the pain this has caused them without really dealing with it.

Facing that pain means accepting and talking about their father's failures and also dealing with change.

We like the work of Guillermo Vilaseca, who has thought about some of these issues deeply and has developed a program for men. They meet to think about themselves, their masculine condition and their relationship with the world, their fathers, their sons, women and work.

Men are used to having power, being tough, feeling important, proud and sure of themselves. But things are changing and the world is moving to a more feminine, communicative, empathetic, intuitive style.

Some men are receptive to this change, they understand that it’s not always about power, strength, dominance, etc. Mr. Vilaseca's work, along with various studies in Psychology show that when distances in bonds are shorter, individuals are likely to better off in their relationships.



Post by: Valeria Mendez Cañas
Editor: Mich Cameron

you and i

Good, healthy love feels relaxed and comfortable. This does not mean there will not be differences or arguments. One can argue comfortably because there is respect, and when you are reaching a war zone you realize it is better to stop before you hurt your partner. You both know that it’s not a matter of winning or losing. It’s not a competition.

Communication, as we know, is one of the most important factors in a relationship. Being able to communicate and to pass on to your partner a message without interference is key in a healthy relationship. When there is love between two people who are responsible for their words or their acts, no one is afraid of being misunderstood and communication is clear, even when what is being said may be painful or irritating.

Good communication does not leave doubts or double meanings, and it never tries to get a speculative advantage of the other. Arguments are used in a positive way, arguments are used to build agreements.

In love, the other one is always on the same side of the street, although his or her thinking may be different because caring is what is most important in the relationship. As you see, true love is the one that has gone past the barriers of being in love and the narcissistic period of the relationship.

In love, there is happiness for the other's happiness. His or her own existence produces happiness; this is only possible with people who feel free, sure of themselves, independent and satisfied with their own lives.

People with the capacity to love are generous and thankful. They value their present and don't cry over what they never had or think they should have had. They have a great capacity to learn and a hopeful outlook on life.

In your opinion, what other points make a relationship healthy?


Patricia Faur - Estres conyugal, Ediciones B, Bs. As., 2011.

it's love

What happens when things don't go the way we expect them to in a relationship? What happens when your partner becomes someone you don't like so much? Are you willing to retrace your steps? Is he or she? Are you willing to recognize your own doings or are you the one to blame it all on your partner?

Miguel Espeche is an Argentinian Psychologist whose work we have set our eyes on. He has coordinated workshops in Buenos Aires for 22 years. These workshops are quite famous in the city. The topics are so varied (bonding, sexuality, family, aging, working), there is something for everyone.

Here is an extract of one of his cases we have translated:

"He didn't take everything away"

"His departure left loneliness and a lot of pain. He took everything when he left". She felt lonely, infinitely sad and most of all, deserted.

For her, he had been the mirror in which she had reflected and recognized herself for many years but her mirror was no longer there. She found herself caressing her kids at night, telling them words she wasn't sure of, looking at the world through a cold glass. All this because he wasn't there, because she remained at their home surrounded by their furniture and the objects that had been theirs for ages, objects that now seemed soulless, like her.

For good or for bad she had given him everything, even her own identity. She had chosen to be the verb instead of the subject, not because she was foolish, but because that was the way things unfolded. For her, it was a relief to have someone assume matters concerned with her own being and she went with it, she did what she thought was expected of her, she turned into an echo, instead of being the source of sound.

Time went by and she was surprised to feel alive again. She began to feel new emotions, these emotions were not his echo, they came from her own self, a source she started to like and value as others did. He, on the other side, felt that he had taken with him his own shadow, the one that was obstructing her personal feelings, her voice. She began to have her own dreams and desires and realized that he didn't have much to do with that anymore. She started feeling better, happier. She concluded he hadn't taken everything, he had only taken a part of her history.

Today they are flirting again, although they are still separated (this is a real story that is taking place). I don't know how this story will end but it is interesting to see how it is developing. He has already said that he felt saturated by what first attracted him to her "being everything for her", the undeniable center of her attention. She had also liked delegating her own being in that man. He had "broken the rules" of the game saying he felt lonely and in need of the company of someone else's voice, not just an echo of his own".

We think that if things get out of balance, it is up to each person in the couple to rediscover love without turning the other person into (or becoming) the subordinate, which as the extract shows, can ruin a relationship.

There are no villains in relationships. If there is love, difficulties can be overcome by trying to understand what each person's contribution to its wrong doing is. By working together finding healthier ways of relating to one another the relationship will obviously bring a lot of satisfaction and happiness.

Migue Espeche once said: "Healthy people suffer from love, that doesn't just happen to fools or ill people. The people that have the courage to assume the risks love requires are however, probably the healthiest."




Translation by Valeria Mendez Cañas extract from the July issue of Sophia Magazine

words on love

I've been away on a little trip and I've had time to think and time to listen. I've come across some interesting people and read some great articles on love and relationships that I want to share with you.

Freud said that when we fall in love, we fall for a reflection of ourselves. We love, in the other person, those aspects that are very similar to ours. Love, for Freud, is illusory and based on narcissism. Of course that kind of love only lasts for a while but, how do we continue to love our partner once we are past that stage? Love, as we know, has to evolve, to mature. Jacques Lacan said that love is giving our partner what we don't have. Which means: to love is to recognize your lack and give it to the other, place it in the other. It’s not giving what you possess, goods and presents, it’s giving something else that you don’t possess, which goes beyond you. Our own flaws are involved and that is how we love, with our flaws. He also stated that we love someone who really isn't who we think he is, reminding us to be aware that a lot of narcissism goes into love.

Nick Paumgaiten wrote in "Looking for Someone" in The New Yorker Magazine, an article referred to contemporary love and the ways people use the internet in search of a companion. He comments on the work of Gian Gónzaga who runs a site called eHarmony. It seems that this site, which is used to pair people up, was born after many years of interviewing couples. By watching the way they interact, they can predict wether the relationship is going to work out or not. They look for specific traits: How do you treat your partner? How are your comments? Are they positive? Are they negative? Are they assuring? Do you underestimate your partner? Do you use humor in order to bring up issues that trouble you? Can you use humor in a positive way? Can you create constructive solutions to your issues? Do you have problems solving skills? Who has them? One? or both?
They say that sometimes, you mate with someone you think is right for you but in reality he or she is not. All goes well until some kind of incompatibility arises: "Incompatibility can often be unperceivable until a couple is subjected to some kind of difficulty of the world's devising: problems involving health, money, children or work". They blame stress for it, of course, but I see it with a different light: situations start becoming more real, narcissism fades away with time. What now? I think it is at this point where a lot of couples split up. They trick themselves into thinking they will be better off alone or with someone that will provide another narcissistic high for them.

Dan Savage, expresses his view in July 3rd, New York Times Sunday Magazine article "Infidelity Keeps us Together". He argues that in his relationship what has kept him bound to his partner was his and her honesty and allowing each other to have sex encounters with other people from time to time.

Dan Savage writes a column for Seattle's The Stranger, called "Savage Love", very contemporary indeed but my thinking is more along the line of Lisa Appignanesi's, author of "All about Love". In an interview in this month's issue of Elle Magazine by Ben Dickinson, she says: "Marriage is interesting now because we want so much out of it, and it's strains are therefore telling, so we develop huge resources of invention and patience and durability to make it work ... You don't want to just say 'Nothing is good if it doesn't have a positive ending or it's only good if it's easy and smooth and always happy'".

In this space, we are always looking out for people that we consider that stand out in their personal fulfillment, we have mainly written about artists. We think that we, as human beings, are the only ones in command of the relationships we seek, we build, we nourish, we surround ourselves with. Once we find the right match, it is up to us to drive the relationship to its best state and because the skills it requires, anyone that believes to be constantly contributing in that sense, we consider an achiever (no need to be famous, just proud). Cheers to you then.



Post: Vale Mendez Cañas
Photo: Mich

A learning experiment

The other day I was watching a program about the social mind. It was pretty interesting. Something that I liked was this experiment researchers made with kids trying to learn Chinese. So what they did is this:

- for a period of time, they had one group of kids study via a video of the Chineese teacher (so, only video)
- for the same period of time, another group of kids studied with the same teacher via audio (just headphones, no images this time)
- for the same period of time, the last group studied with the same teacher as the other two groups - except this last group had the classes live or the teacher went to their house and taught them Chinese there (in person)

The result was that the third group, the group that had the person teaching them live was the group that learnt the fastest. They could not only speak more fluently and write better, but they were also more confident when doing so. Not too surprising I guess, but interesting. Don't you think? It shows how important human contact still is, also when learning a language.